Day 16.4 - Become the Conduit for Greater Realization ~ Hedda Smulewicz


16.4 Become the Conduit for Greater Realization

HEDDABOXPHOTOMaking art is a calling.
It summons me.

I need to create sculpture.
If I do not sculpt, I hurt.
The longer I let it go, the more I hurt.
I feel a void inside.

At first, I feel an urge, an exciting desire.
Quickly, it becomes a need,
and, very quickly, a force
pushing ahead.

I see nothing, hear nothing,
but I experience an undeniable knowing.

The feeling is opaque, but so certain.

With time and work,
something new becomes real and demands to move forward.
I become excited.
As I become more comfortable working,
I recognize the familiar energy.

It calls me if I let it. I must let it.

I lose it, then have it.
I follow its course.
It knows where to go and what it wants.
If I listen, I find it.

I grope, I struggle, I get angry, and I become terrified. I think I cannot do this anymore.

I have no more sculpture inside me and
it's the end of the world. I've lost my talent!

Yet, I keep searching for the piece within the clay!

There comes a time, and it can be months later,
that I've discovered the piece

I've been searching for.

I still don't know what it looks like, yet I'm beginning to fall in love.

I know this new being. I've always known it... I feel the longing to unite
with my beloved.

I, and only I, can absolutely know, will know when I'm with it.
It's me.

You feel transparent than when you make art.
Everything shows. Everyone sees.

And somehow, they take the liberty
of giving you their opinion!
Like you asked; like they know; like it's important!
The "is it good?" monster has arrived! He's been around all along!
Before I notice, he's already spewing!
So quickly!

There's a heated noisy free for all: what's "not good;" what's "not good enough;" what's "wrong;" how this "should be done."
Echos from before of disembodied meaningless voices.
Who invited this oppressive noise?
It is tempting to collapse into default and do what I've done before; to guarantee people's response.

But that's not creating!
We need to let go, or as my teacher, the great painter, Milton Resnick said, "we need to fall."
We need to risk and do what we don't know.
Only then do we discover, do we evolve, do we truly create.

There's this stream that flows:
It gently flows, always flows, and is forever rhythmic.

I check in with myself.
It's there: quiet, but decisive. I need to listen and follow.
I don't know where we're going, but we'll arrive at a new place.

Hedda Smulewicz,
Former Arts Editor, Logos: A Journal of Modern Society and Culture (www.LogosJournal.com),
Member of Board of Directors, Anthology Film Archives


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